Land Sharks: Why We're All Fucked. *UPDATED*

I wrote another topic post for Cracked.com today.  Because I desperately need money and famousness.  And maybe I can get a real job there someday.  Especially if I use my newfound source of celebrity to stage my own death and then magically revive myself and offer to write a weekly column about my experience of the afterlife.  SNEAK PREVIEW:  There's lots of pie and everyone gets pillow-top mattresses.  And it's Christmas AND your birthday every day but your parents don't try to swindle you out of presents by celebrating both of these special days with only a single gift-giving session.

Anyway, if you liked my article on bears and you want to read a similar but way more awesome article on Land Sharks, go HERE.

Also, I've been reading up on blogging success-strategies and apparently I'm supposed to explicitly encourage you guys to subscribe to my blog.  So consider yourself explicitly encouraged.  The "Subscribe" button is in the upper right-hand corner, just below my blog heading.  I think you just click it and then click something else and then you get email notifications whenever I write something new.  Until they invent blog-update pagers, this is the best I can do to give you instant updates.

I guess I'm also supposed to encourage you to "be evangelical" about my blog. Whatever that means.  If you can figure out how to do it, it will supposedly help me become famous enough to blog for a living and then I can entertain you forever without having to worry about stuff like how I'm going to survive the winter.

I read about a lot of other things I'm supposed to do if I ever hope to get rich and famous from my blog, but I don't know how comfortable I would be with implementing tips like "create controversy" and "optimize your post titles for search engines."  I'm not about to start writing posts like "101 Ways To Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby For $39 or Less!"* So I'll just stick with asking you to subscribe and "be evangelical."

*God forbid I start showing up on Google for that sentence.

UPDATE #1: You guys... it's like you are trying to make Google think I'm a bad person:

UPDATE #WTF YOU GUYS?:

Seriously?

The list of terms for which I am ranked first on google is growing.  So far, these are the subjects for which I am widely considered to be the best source of information:

"Mandatory Sex Party"

"Jessica Alba cat diarrhea"

"101 Ways To Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby For $39 or Less!"

"Masturbate by sticking hermit crabs up their pee hole"

Do you realize that if I had AdSense, my blog would be riddled with ads for hentai?  Don't google that.  Okay, google it, but don't blame me when you become addicted to anime porn and beastiality simultaneously.

P.S.  SpellCheck doesn't know the word "beastiality."  OR the word "hentai."  That's probably a positive sign for the world.